Types of Boundaries
To protect our physical, mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual health, we need to have healthy boundaries. Boundaries define where we end and another person starts, what we will allow or not allow and how much we will tolerate and what is ours to take responsibility for. Relationships can challenge us and cause us to put up certain boundaries. If we have been through childhood trauma or our early childhood experiences made us feel unsafe, we may not know what healthy boundaries look like. If our relationships at school or adult experiences felt threatening in any way, this could also make us feel unsafe in relationships.
If we have been hurt and put up boundaries to protect ourselves, we can end up having too rigid boundaries in place, which cause us to not let any good in and not let the bad out. We shut ourselves off and don't allow others too close for fear of getting hurt again.
When our boundaries are too diffuse, we let too much in, and we can lose our sense of identity and be overwhelmed by giving in to the demands of others. We find it hard to say no and are often prone to be taken advantage of or abused. This type of boundary is often seen in those that are pleasers as a result of childhood abuse, where pleasing a caregiver was essential to the child's safety.
Often, when we decide we have had enough of having a diffuse boundary, we can decide to put up a rigid boundary. This may be acceptable for a period of time so that we can heal and learn how to enforce healthy boundaries. However, we shouldn't keep others locked out in this way out of anger or to punish them for an extended period of time. We need safe and trustworthy "others" to help us heal and we need to remember that not all relationships are unsafe and untrustworthy.
A clear boundary can develop out of healing from diffuse or rigid boundaries. This type of boundary acts as a sieve and will allow through what is good and keep out what is bad. Once we can define what we need and what we will allow and take responsibility for, we can start laying down better boundaries to protect ourselves in a healthy way. Being able to say no and having others accept our "no" in understanding of our needs is essential in a healthy relationship. We need to have respect for each other and not respond out of our own self-preservation or unhealthy boundaries. Identify what type of boundary you may have and work at putting healthy boundaries in place if you recognise that yours are not well defined.
Communicating to others what you need in a relationship is part of enforcing boundaries in a healthy way. In our marriages, interpersonal and parental relationships, we also need a template for healthy boundaries.
Boundaries is a godly concept. God defined the limits for creation, He defined the requirements for a relationship with Him. He allows us access to Him and to His Kingdom and it is His Word that defines this for us. He communicated it through His Word. He is a relational God, and relationships were never meant to hurt us but to be life-giving sources and to be an expression of His love for us.
Exits
We all know that we bring our past into our marriage. Our experiences in our family home, our experiences throughout development into adulthood, as well as our thinking patterns and coping mechanisms.
Self-preservation is a natural instinct. Our coping mechanisms are linked to behaviours that keep us "safe". However, as we know by now, some coping mechanisms are not healthy, so what we think is "safe" is not always the truth. Unhealthy coping mechanisms often compound the problem by causing us to not face what is really going on.
We often "exit" the relationship in order to create safety. What happens?
We experience tension in the marriage - it elicits an emotional response - anxiety, anger, fear, etc. - it leads to an action. This is linked to our cognitive working model, which looks like this:
An event (experience) = thought = an emotion = an action. We need to explore and identify distorted thought patterns, so that the thought can be stopped before it becomes an emotional response that could be destructive.
Think of 2 Corinthians 10v5 - this is the process. "Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". It would seem the word of God had the revelation already of our cognitive working model before psychology did - giving us the tool to prevent destructive actions.
We exit in various ways - taking energy out of the relationship to get away from the tension, to feel "safe". Some exits we explain away - it's work, it's the kids, it's my hobby, etc. These are all justifiable on their own. Having downtime or doing exercise or being creative is all good for us, this releases feel good hormones. But if we are using this to get away from our spouse and we are excessively involved in those activities, it becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Catastrophic exits are self-explanatory. They make us feel good for a time but never for long, and we can get into a cycle of these behaviours to help us feel better. In the end, it leads to destruction and leads to us feeling worse about ourselves and our situation.
I have found with couples counselling, that marriage breakdown is often the result of poor communication and lack of understanding concerning how each of them processes information and experiences. This is often determined by the lens they view life through based on their past.
Communication is key in marriage and relationships in general. Communicating our boundaries, our feelings, and our thoughts and having the courage to address areas of tension and find solutions instead of exiting.
When there is abuse, there is even more reason to take action. God has put creativity inside each one of us to help us solve problems, but we were never meant to do it alone.
Let us take note of how we respond in our relationships when it gets tough and ask God to help us get back to safety in Him. He is the God of peace (Psalm 91v1-2). Let Him help you to highlight the areas that need to come back into alignment with God's design.
Speak blessing over your marriage and relationships. Speak what you want to see happen as if it already has.
Blessings in Christ!